So, this is a bad game.
Calcu-Late was also a bad game, but it was also short – and inconsequential. But this? Oh boy.
Damnation is long. Well, I wouldn’t say long because at this point I’ve only played about two hours – but those hours have been an eternity. This is a miserable slog of a game. It’s ugly, both in graphics and in art design. Combat controls like a bag of dead wet ass. There is no weight or consequence to the guns you use – the cheap fireworks you can buy in states where almost all fireworks are illegal -while your neighbors are setting off giant freedom fucks they got from across state lines, and your children aren’t even begging for better fireworks, or crying, they just stare, and you can see that you’ve killed off what hope they had in them, leaving a cynical joyless husk – that’s what the guns in Damnation sound like.
The story takes place on an alternate earth, with an alternate history Civil War setting. Alternate history can be interesting – those pivot points in history that easily could have gone a different way – Napoleon & Hitler both decide not to invade Russia, the Supreme Court rules in favor of Al Gore – history as we now know it would have changed in so many ways, both small and large. There’s a lot of fascinating paths that can be traveled for a writer with enough imagination.
Now I don’t know a lot about the Civil War, but I’m sure there are countless events that could have turned out differently, radically changing the face of America. A quick Google search shows the Battle of Antietam as the most important turning point there’s also The Emancipation Proclamation, and Lincolns entire Presidency.
Yet, in all my Google searching, I didn’t find anything about a man inventing a super power serum that allows him to create a giant corporation, from which he is attempting to destroy both the Union and the Confederates so he can become Emperor of America. Also he has Steam powered robots.
Oh and his Serum can make people strong, or make them hyper aggressive, or zombies? It’s not a really well-defined product – I’m surprised he was able to amass so much money.
Still, the Civil War though, right? Outside of complex strategy/tactics games, there’s not a whole lot of games that focus on it. A game set during the Civil war, with the uniforms, culture, and other defining characteristics – that should be interesting right?
So, let’s break these three down:
I mean, look at that hat! It’s not really a Cowboy hat – not really a top hat. Obviously he intends on swinging by the local watering hole and doing some fly fishing .
Anyways, Rourke is our hero. Dressed in Civil War era Space Marine armor, he fights the forces of injustice with sloppy cover shooting mechanics, and the acrobatics of an Olympic level gymnast. Oh, did I forget to mention? Literally half this game is a Third person platformer – and while the combat in this game is horrible, the jumping about is actually surprisingly decent. Every level has multiple options for getting vertical during combat. In theory this allows you to get the higher ground, and a tactical advantage on your enemies. In practice you mostly flail about attempting to shoot things, and then fall to your death.
You also move through the world: wall jumping, climbing, hanging – and while it’s a little clunky in control, it’s still pretty fun. Less focus on combat, and a greater focus on parkour, and this might have been a better game.
As you can see from the next two banners, I didn’t quite get a handle on the art style I was going for until I’d finished with Rourke here – I could have gone back, but A. It would have taken too long and, B.
Now, moving on to the gentleman who decided to scratch his testicles at the end of the youtube video, as if no one was watching. They are though… they always are.
Professor Winslow is basically like the Professor X of your band of Freedom Fighters. Although he can walk. And he has hair. And he has no telepathic powers to note of. So basically nothing like Professor X – but still! He’s a Professor – and he’s searching for his daughter Jack, who has joined the side of EVIL – which, I’m not sure if that was ever explained before you actually meet “Jack” but I also skipped all the cut scenes, there’s only so much of this crap I can take.
Winslow gets kidnapped eventually, and you have to rescue him. He’s important to the resistance because… because the game said so!
Finally that leads us to this elegant beauty, who I’m sure caught all your eyes:
Seriously, look at this shit –
I’m not anti-sex or “sexy” portrayals in games, as long as it makes sense. Which, this totally does – after all, she’s a Native American woman in the late 19th century, OF COURSE they wore leather biker gear, with their breasts constrained as little as possible – especially when they were warriors – as a warrior, you have to use every weapon at your disposal so best to keep them ready to fall out at any moment for distraction purposes – weaponized tits.
Seriously – this shit is embarrassing, and I just don’t understand it. Skipping over the obvious arguments – humans don’t wear this shit, they wouldn’t stay in, etc etc – I YakeCan’t understand the appeal to this. Damnation has awful graphics, the characters have permanently blank expressions and dead fish eyes – why would anyone with the sheer abundance of …“photos” on the internet be turned on by this? I mentioned the same thing back for Aarklash Legacy and Wendaroo, how is this appealing to anyone? Which it, sadly, is – if you google image search “Wendaroo” your first – first – image search result is fan art of the character subduing a naked man with her weapon – after all, no one wants a half-naked dog lady if she’s not also into dominance roleplay – and I did a search for Yakecan Sexist and got forum posts from people lusting after a video game character.
In the entire process of playing, preparing these photos and the video above, and getting a handle on just how bad a game this is – very bad, if you hadn’t figured out – I realized something.
- I will play every game, no matter how bad, at least 2 hours.
- If after 2 hours, I am still enjoying it, I will play it another 8 (if the time of the game allows) for a total of 10 hours. Come 10 hours it’s time to shit or get off the pot -if I enjoy it enough to keep playing it, I finish it – regardless if it is 14 hours or 100. If I don’t enjoy it enough to keep going, that is my final chance to quit on it.
That’s from my first post – my own rules. I looked at the clock on Steam. 2 hours and 13 minutes.
Oh smug sanctimonious me from three weeks ago! With your dreams and aspirations at finishing your Backlog, and your belief that surely I wouldn’t stumble on any bad games so soon into the project. You’ve fucked us both, and you don’t even know it.
I have stumbled, I’ve stumbled hard – and according to my own rules I have to play this game at least another 8 hours.
I could break my rule, I suppose, it’ s not like anyone is keeping score. But so soon into the project? I haven’t even finished a full alphabetical cycle yet. I’m only on game four.
So, I find myself trapped – I have to play this shit, but it’s such a bad game that it might derail my entire blog.
But I have a solution. If you believe in the many worlds theory :
All possible alternate histories and futures are real, each representing an actual “world”
So all I have to do… is find the universe where this game is not a hideous mess. It doesn’t even have to be good it just needs to be playable.
I’ll just… project my consciousness across the infinite void…. and see if there’s any universe where….
FUCKING FOUND IT
World 7503 – Everything is exactly the same except on World 7503 Damnation is based on a novel written by Cormac McCarthy, about a young boy, a member of the Religious Society of Friends, or they are commonly known, Quakers. He must confront violence, even though he has sworn to uphold the values of his religion, which includes non-violence. Basically, all you can do is jump around and use your gun for strictly non lethal means.
The only thing worth a damn in our world’s version is parkour. Cormac McCarthy is the sexy old cherry on top. I’m in.
Starting next entry –
An Alternate World Pacifist Let’s Play of: Cormac McCarthy presents: Damnation – The Videogame Adaptation of the Novel.
I’ll see you there. And may god have mercy on our souls.